Carla's Reflections: August 2014

The Stress of being a Perfectionist

I recently wrote on the topic of procrastination and today I’m going to address the other word beginning with the word “P” – Perfectionist -- that has also been a thorn in my side. Just like procrastination, at times over the years being a perfectionist has literally worn me out. In fact, there have been many days being a perfectionist has left me almost emotionally paralyzed and unable to complete anything.

At my previous employers, I’ve been told on numerous occasions that it’s time to let a letter, memo and/or report go because no matter how many times I edit them, the documents may still end up having errors. As a writer, Lord knows I’ve heard the same thing and have given myself numerous headaches editing my books, articles, etc. that I’ve almost made myself regurgitate or have a panic attack from the stress of it all.

Although I’m not as bad as I used to be – I’m a recovering perfectionist -- from time-to-time I still struggle with being a perfectionist, but I no longer allow myself to get as stressed about it. I’ll admit there have been times when I’ve completed school papers, work documents and writing projects and have had to engage in some serious prayer and self-talk and tell myself I have done my best and now it’s time to submit them to the appropriate individuals and move on. At times, this can be difficult, but it’s not as hard as it used to be and for that I am forever grateful. When I do start feeling stressed, I try to do at least one or more of the following:

Take a break
Write in my journal
Listen to some music
Watch a comedy

Since I’ve admitted that I’m a recovering perfectionist, I’ve forced myself not to re-read this post a hundred times before posting it. Therefore, I am asking you in advance to forgive me for any spelling errors.

Let me know your comments and please feel free to share this article with others.

Peace.

Carla

Wow, how time flies...

While looking through some files on my desktop, I ran across some articles that I wrote years ago for Blogging in Black. This blog is no longer active and hasn't been for a several years. I decided to open up a few blog posts to read them. Below is one of those posts:

A Paradigm Shift From Just Reading Urban Fiction

Do you read urban fiction? This question has been posed to me on many occasions since the explosion of this genre. “Yes, I have read and even enjoyed reading some urban fiction books,” I always answer. The first urban fiction book that I read was, “The Coldest Winter Ever” by the talented author, Sistah Souljah, and have read others since then. According to David Wright, “One of the hottest literary phenomena of recent years has been the explosion of what has been variously termed hip-hop, street, or urban fiction. Especially popular with younger African Americans, books in this genre are reaching an increasingly broad readership through ties to hip-hop music and culture” (Streetwise Urban Fiction, Libraryjournal.com, July 15, 2006). All in all, I don’t see anything wrong with reading books in this genre, especially since it has caused some young, middle aged and even older African Americans to read that normally wouldn't think about picking up a book.

Nevertheless, I believe that African Americans that read only urban fiction should be encouraged to make a paradigm shift from just reading this genre by choosing to read other fiction genres as well as non fiction books. In doing so, readers can broaden their horizons, learn about other people and cultures and stimulate their intellect. Truthfully, I believe that I’ve gained a better snapshot of the world by making it a priority to read books in all genres.

For instance, a few months back I read, "Letters to a Young Brother: MANifest Your Destiny" by Hill Harper. A much timely, thought-provoking and encouraging book that should grace the shelves of every African American home. I recently read “a love story,” by Denene Millner and Nick Chiles, an entertaining and great book. I’m now reading “It’s Your Time: Reclaim Your Territory for the Kingdom” by Bishop Eddie Long, a powerful book causing me to re-examine my spiritual walk with God. Once completed, I’ll go back to reading, “The Million Dollar Divorce,” by RM Johnson, an entertaining and thought-provoking book thus far, and then move on to “Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores The Hidden Side of Everything” by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner. While in college, I cringed every time that I had to attend my Economics classes, so reading this book is going to undoubtedly force me to tackle a subject that’s always been difficult for me.

Although the explosion of urban fiction has caused some controversy, on the positive side, this is a good thing since more African Americans seem to be reading more. All the same, I feel that it would be beneficial for those that only read this genre to read books in other genres as well. Because after all, there is more to life within the urban communities than drugs, brothers and sistahs serving time in the joint, fast money and mad drama. Wouldn’t you agree?

Thankful For Each "God Moment"

I thank God that I can be real, transparent, and that I am approachable. One thing I have learned over the years is that there are some Christians whom I have been around who always want you to believe that their lives are a bed of roses. When you share something “deep” that you may be going through, they turn up their noses as if they can’t believe that as a Christian you are experiencing whatever it is that you are. And, then they have the nerve to respond with a statement that implies that you are having these struggles because you are not praying, fasting, or reading the Word enough. Really?

I am not saying that you should share all of your business. That would not be wise, as I don’t share all of my business. However, for those Christians who are always blessed and highly favored and are never beset with problems, it would be refreshing if they stopped lying to themselves and others and admit that they, too, have been in the valley, have struggled or felt discouraged or both, at some time in their lives. It would be useful if they stopped perpetrating so that they can help somebody else while freeing themselves in the process. Being a Christian doesn’t mean that you are not human. Acknowledging that you are struggling doesn’t make you a nonbeliever who lacks faith. It just makes you human.

When it comes to being approachable, I’ll be honest and admit that there have been times when I was uncomfortable with strangers pouring their hearts out to me by sharing painful things that either they or someone close to them were experiencing at the time. As I have matured, both as a woman and in Christ, I am now thankful when these moments occur and no longer question God when they do. I just call each experience a “God Moment”-- moments that have always stayed with me. I often wonder what happened to the people that I encounter during such moments.

For example, at a book signing years ago, a woman walked up to my table perusing my books. After a few minutes, she expressed a desire to buy my book Grip the Rope: Prayers for Single Mothers but she did not have the money to do so, yet she remained at my table desiring to engage me in conversation. Within a few minutes she was pouring her heart out and shared that one of her daughters had been raped. In the meantime, others were coming to my table inquiring about my books. I knew this was a “God Moment,” so I did not interrupt the woman. I listened and shared some words of encouragement and was led to give her a book for free. She thanked me and walked away. I could tell that she felt less burdened after our conversation.

Another “God Moment” occurred at an event where I was the guest speaker and I was selling books after the event was over. A lady approached my table. We chit chatted for a few minutes, and then she left. The next thing I knew she returned, saying, “I don’t know why I am talking to you.” I figured it was another “God Moment,” so I listened and offered her words of encouragement. She shared that her son had been incarcerated for twenty years, and I could tell that she had been in a lot of emotional pain because of it. She bought a copy of my book to read for herself.

A few days later, she contacted me via email and asked if I could send her son a copy of the book. She said that he did not have any kids, but that she felt my book would encourage him. I sent him a copy. About a week later, I received a letter at my post office box from the woman’s son. He thanked me for sending him the book and acknowledged that it had encouraged him. He also shared some things that he had gone through in prison, how he felt about being incarcerated, as well as the fact that he had an additional seven years to serve on his sentence. While I have never heard from him again, I have heard from his mother a few times via email.

The next “God Moment” that stuck with me occurred when my friend's former husband called and left me a message at work to call him. It was odd, so I immediately asked if she knew what her husband wanted to speak with me about. She had no clue. I returned his call. He shared that he had a childhood friend serving a 25-year prison sentence for killing her own sister out of a jealous rage and he felt that my book could encourage her, even though she was not a single mother. He asked me if I would send her a copy. I returned to my friend’s desk and told her about the conversation, and she filled me in about the woman and the tragedy that had occurred. This brutal murder had torn the family apart. I later got the address and sent the book to her.

Earlier this year, another “God Moment” occurred while I was attending a training session. A lady sat next to me, and we introduced ourselves. During our conversations over the next few days, she shared that she was going through a bad divorce and recently found out that her husband had been sexually molesting their daughter, who was a teenager. It was a very painful time in her life. It is one thing to be going through a divorce, but another to find out that your husband had been molesting your child. I was led to send this woman a quick email to say “hello” and to ask how she has been doing.

The bottom line is that we never know what others are going through, and, as a Christians, people from all walks of life should feel comfortable approaching us for words of encouragement, inspiration, and hope. While we may not always have the right words to say or scriptures to quote, we can listen without judging and demonstrate that we genuinely care about their well-being. We can pray for them, or lead them to Christ, or both. In addition, we can invite them to church or direct them to someone who can assist them further. After all, God is not always going to allow us to minister to people whom we are most comfortable with because He wants us to grow, and it is in these uncomfortable situations that our growth most often occurs.

Overall, I’m thankful for each “God Moment” and all of the others that I have encountered over the years because, in each situation, God has used me as one of His vessels to encourage, inspire, and give hope to others. That is indeed a blessing!

As always, feel free to leave your comments and to share this post with others if you’d like. You can leave your comments here or on my Facebook page.

A Happiness Ritual

Taking a hot bath is a “happiness ritual” for me and has been for over thirty-four years since my teenage years. There is something serene, soothing and cathartic about soaking in a tub full of hot water sometimes adding rosemary and/or lavender oil. Upon getting in the tub, in addition to adding scented oils, there are occasions when I make myself a hot cup of tea, light a candle, grab my bible, put on some gospel music, read an inspirational book and/or a magazine to make this “happiness ritual” all that more meaningful.

Soaking in a tub full of hot water always allows me to decompress, unwind, refocus, refuel, meditate and pray and simply just be “still.” During this time, calmness, clarity of thought and creativity are inspired as well as my physical body becomes less stressed which allows anxiety and/or depression to stay at bay. In addition, a nice soothing bath is an aid that helps me to sleep better and getting quality sleep is a necessity for my emotional, physical and spiritual health.

In this era of technology (internet, smartphones, iPads, numerous social media sites, etc.), continuous multi-tasking and the mere demands of life, unwinding and decompressing, seems to have become less of the norm. For example, I remember a conversation I had one time with a former co-worker about the therapeutic benefits for me of taking baths and that I took a bath one and sometimes two (morning and evening) times a day to de-compress and simply relax. This co-worker looked at me strangely and stated, “I don’t have time to take baths and I cannot even think of the last time I even took one. Taking showers is less time consuming.”

At that moment, I was reassured just how my “happiness ritual” is a self-care necessity that contributes to a boost in my spirits and reduction in stress and how important it is to steal away from the busyness of life to refocus, refuel and replenish to ensure that maintaining balance in my life remains a “top priority.”

Overall, the “happiness ritual” of soaking in a hot tub of water has become the relaxing ritual that is a daily routine for me. This “happiness ritual” is something I refuse to live without!

Procrastination Get Thee Behind Me

As I sit here at this computer, I am thinking about all of the goals that I have left to accomplish, yet have not done so. For the last six months or so, I’ve written on my “to do” list all of the things that I want to achieve before the end of this year. Am I making progress? Yes, I have made some progress, but truthfully, I should be a lot closer to being able to cross some of these goals off of my “to do” list. But I am being honest with myself as well as transparent to admit that I have once again allowed procrastination to prevent me from accomplishing some of them. I am relieved and can breathe a little easier simply by openly admitting my struggles with procrastination!

Over the years, at times I have allowed procrastination to stall my progress, and every time this happens, I end up in a rut, and before I know it, working on my goals is no longer a priority. I am thankful for all of my blessings and what I have been able to accomplish in my lifetime thus far, but sometimes it has not been without an overwhelming amount of stress. For instance, procrastinating on completing homework and then stressing myself out trying to meet the deadlines. Or rushing out the door and jumping in my car to make a mad dash because I am running late for church, work, or other places.

You know, for a procrastinator like myself—or shall I say, recovering procrastinator, since my goal is to stop procrastinating—social media has caused me to drag my feet even more, and I then have the audacity to get mad at myself when days, weeks, and even months go by with some of the same things on my “to do” list not being completed. I don’t even want to think about all of the times I have used social media as a means to procrastinate.

The bottom line is that it’s time for me to stop trippin’, to pull up my “big girl” panties and stop procrastinating, and, as the young folks say, “turn up” by getting focused on completing my goals. The more I procrastinate, my stress level increases and I am too old to continue riding this roller coaster. Truthfully, if I didn’t procrastinate so much, I could break down my goals into manageable tasks rather than trying to do everything in one fell swoop, which then wears me out.

If you struggle with procrastination, you will surely understand my challenge. Today, I pledge to do some re-prioritizing and get rid of procrastination because, after all, it’s for my sanity’s sake. When procrastination wants to creep onto the scene, I am going to say the words, “Procrastination get thee behind me” and truly mean it…