Just Numb

Just Numb! These two words best describe my feelings right now. Emotionally distraught is what I felt when I received the phone call from my cousin, Sylvia Jackson, a few hours ago informing me that her beloved mother and my aunt, Shirley Cox, passed away peacefully in her sleep.

It’s only been a month since my own mother, Carline Newell Curtis, passed away, and I am still trying to adjust to this “new normal” – two words that feel more like an oxymoron to me—by living without her. As I see it, my life will never be what I consider normal. I think of it as learning how to live as a motherless child with an emptiness that will never go away, but that can only be lived through. And I have to make a concerted effort not to allow this aching feeling to consume me so that I can eventually get back to some sense of functioning—of normality.

Over the years, I’ve been told that deaths usually come in threes. Why that is, I really don’t know. This year, my family has had three deaths, beginning with my beloved Aunt Sylvia Curtis passing away at the end of April; my own mother in July, and now my Aunt Shirley. Sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, I’m wondering why they all had to leave us within such a short period of time. Each of them loved the Lord, their children, grandchildren, family, and friends dearly and would do anything for anybody.

When it comes to the grieving process, it can undoubtedly be very hard, and with losing three women near and dear to my heart in such a short time span, it’s going to make that process that much more difficult for me.  The article “Stage of Grief Models: Kubler-Ross,” written by Kathryn Patricelli, MA, and edited by Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., describes how Elizabeth Kuber-Ross developed the most widely accepted interpretation of the stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. In this groundbreaking book, she identified five stages of grief that individuals experience when grieving various losses. They are:

• Denial—One is unable or unwilling to accept that the loss has taken (or will shortly take) place. The person is basically in shock.

• Anger—One begins to feel angry about the loss and feel as though it is unfair.

• Bargaining—One begs his or her higher power to undue the loss in exchange for a change in behavior.

• Depression—One begins to realize that the loss is actually real; this is when feelings of depression often occur.

• Acceptance—One begins to process his or her emotions and begins to understand that the loss has occurred and that it can’t be reversed, so the person begins to re-engage in life.[i]

Going through the stages of grief is not a linear process, as many people don’t experience them in this particular order. People go through the grief process differently. Right now, I’m at the first stage of denial. I truly can’t believe that my Aunt Shirley is gone, and that they are all gone. Right now, life makes absolutely no sense to me. At this point, I realize that it’s going to take me some time to go through all these steps, so I’m handling it my way, which is the best that I know how at this time in my life. What keeps me going somewhat while trying to break through the numbness is:

• Praying and reading the Bible

• Reading both fiction and nonfiction books

• Writing (journaling, writing articles, and blogging)

• Watching movies

• Soaking in the tub with drops of rosemary and lavender oils and breathing in these refreshing smells

• Interacting with others on social media

• Encouraging others experiencing grief or other difficult times

I know that Psalm 30:5 (KJV) says “…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning,” but right now morning seems too far away for me to even grasp. I’m just praying just to get a good night’s sleep.

Rest in peace, my wonderful and beloved Aunt Shirley. I love you!

© Carla J. Curtis, August 2015

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[i] Kathryn Patricelli, MA and edited by Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., “Stage of Grief Models: Kubler-Ross,” http://www.amhc.org/58-grief-bereavement-issues/article/8444-stage-of-grief-models-kubler-ross