4 Tips to Surviving the Emotional Journey of Widowhood

 

Hello! I am excited to share on Carla’s Reflections a blog post from guest blogger Jonathan Cox. As you know, from time-to-time, I feature a guest blogger because I enjoy highlighting the talent of others. Today I am doing just that by sharing Jonathan’s transparent blog post titled "4 Tips to Surviving the Emotional Journey of Widowhood." Please check out this blog post from a talented writer.

Thanks, Jonathan, for being a guest blogger. I look forward to your dropping back by again to share your thoughts, insight, and wisdom.

Until next time… 

Photo Credit: Sabine Ojeil

My life as I knew it changed forever on February 10, 2018.

I became a widower and single father of a pre-teen son.

My best friend, lover, and beloved wife of nineteen years, Antonett “Toni” M. Cox, was now gone. After three years of chemotherapy and countless radiation procedures, Toni lost her battle at the young age of fifty-two to metastasis cancer, which originated from her breast. Toni was a victim of the Camp Lejeune water contamination in North Carolina as a child. 

Toni was smart, strong-willed, loving, thoughtful, beautiful inside and out, and my rock. 

On February 23, 2018, we celebrated her life.

I can recall the day of celebrating Toni’s life that I expressed slight outwardly emotional expressions during the service. I had the perception of being strong for my son, which is directly related to not showing my feelings with tears and pain during my grieving of my wife. Psychologist Judith Stillion, Ph.D., CT studied the importance of socialization. There were 4 concepts which her research lead to the conclusion of dealing with grief and socialization:

 

1. Boys are taught to accept pain without complaining.
2. Men must be in control at all times.
3. Man must protect and keep safe the individuals important to him.
4. Man must be ready to overcome any challenge without fear.   

I looked into my son’s eyes and realized that this moment was not about me. I had to widen my perspective of the reality of embracing healthy habits during these turbulent times for my son and myself. This led me to accept crying is healthy; being affectionate to my son is a sign of strength and being transparent with my loved ones lessened my burden of responsibility. 

After becoming a widower, I felt fearful, overwhelmed, insecure, and lonely because I was about to embark upon being a single parent due to the loss of my life partner. My attention and focus were now about raising my son in a loving and secure environment in which he was already accustomed. 

You see, unfortunately, my son witnessed firsthand the terminal cancer monster and how it deteriorates one’s body and mind. Cancer took away his hugs, conversations, movie nights, great cooking, and the security of being loved. 

While going through the emotional journey of widowhood, I have learned the following:

You can’t do it alone. The African proverb “it takes a village to raise a child” means that it takes a community to raise a child. I knew that I needed to surround my son with a village of positive people and family to assist with his teen years of growth into manhood. The purpose of his village is to provide love, support, guidance, and positive mentorship for his holistic personal growth. 

You should seek the help of professionals. Seeking counseling at the cancer center's recommendation has been instrumental in helping my son and I navigate the journey of grief. In fact, before my wife’s passing, we participated as a family to help each of us deal with her terminal cancer diagnosis. It was powerful for our son as it gave him meaning and understanding of coping with terminal cancer.

You must be patient with yourself. During times of grief, I found myself being impulsive with emotion. However, patience allows decision making to become less emotional and more informed of making conscious decisions. Lastly, patience allows growth for your holistic understanding during your emotional journey.

You have to take care of your health. Having a history of pre-existing conditions, such as high blood pressure and heart complications, I learned that taking care of my health is vital. Regular physical check-ups will give you an overview of your overall health. Being committed to your physical health is all connected to your outlook during grief.

This new normal is not easy, but I’m surviving the emotional journey of widowhood the best way that I can.

If you are a widower, please feel free to share some tips that help you get through your grieving process.

Jonathan Cox is a blogger, maximizer, strategist, public speaker, innovator, and organizer. He's currently EOP/TRIO Coordinator at his alma mater, University of Northern Iowa (UNI) in Cedar Falls, Iowa. He has a bachelor's degree in criminology. Jonathan is well-known for being committed and passionate about mentoring, coaching, teaching, and inspiring students for the last three decades. When not working with students, Jonathan enjoys spending time with his son, family, friends and traveling. In addition, he likes reading and cooking various dishes which he finds relaxing. Jonathan can be reached at jjflexerr22@gmail.com.