A Christian Woman’s Perspective: Journeying through the Season of Singleness

 

Photo Credit Jefferey Erhunse Unsplash

Updated October 25, 2020

All too often, I have found that we single women in the church, who desire marriage, seem to think that God has passed us by when it comes to being blessed with a husband. We come to church, pray, tithe, worship, serve on committees, and want to have the company of a strong and loving Christian husband by our sides. 

And, with the COVID-19 pandemic, attending church in person has not been an option in a while. Therefore, meeting a potential mate is all that more difficult. This is not to say that you can only meet someone in the church. That is not true.

Each week we lose faith when the seat beside us we claim as our husbands remain empty. 

As the tears roll down our cheeks, we ask God, “Did you forget about blessing me with a husband?” 

When we hear the words, “You know, perhaps it’s not in God’s will that you marry,” makes things even worse. 

Then we engage in pity parties and depression sessions. 

Although it is not easy, we are to be relentless in our pursuit to live Godly lives, while remembering that we are not perfect and will make mistakes. When we stumble in life, we must remember to have self-compassion and avoid beating ourselves up. 

It is important to seek God’s will for our lives to prevent Satan from filling our heads with negative thoughts, which may cause us to doubt God. When loneliness is at its peaks in our lives, we must fast, pray, and read our Bibles even more. We should also ask someone to pray with and for us.

Being single should not prevent us from living happy, productive, and fulfilled lives. Most importantly, we must remind ourselves that being single is not a curse, as some people make it seem. It is time to thank God for this season because it will be different to consider a husband’s needs rather than just our own. 

And let us be real, some of us, including myself, can be selfish at times.

As Pastor Noah Filipiak states, "The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greenest where you water it, even for singles."

During our season of singleness, righteous living should be a priority so that we can begin pursuing our goals and dreams. This will not happen if we are having pity parties with ourselves and other single women about the shortage of available men and how terrible the ones are in which we have been in relationships. 

In lieu of the pity party trap, God wants us to do what is necessary to build His kingdom, and not tear it down. This time of singleness is to focus on God’s will for our lives.

As single women, changing our mindset about singleness is necessary. This season in our lives is better spent to thank God for using this time to prune and prepare us to do a mighty work for Him. 

When God feels that we are ready, we will be introduced to our potential husband and we will then be ready to welcome him with open arms. 

I hope that you've been encouraged as you are journeying through the season of singleness...

4 Tips to Surviving the Emotional Journey of Widowhood

 

Hello! I am excited to share on Carla’s Reflections a blog post from guest blogger Jonathan Cox. As you know, from time-to-time, I feature a guest blogger because I enjoy highlighting the talent of others. Today I am doing just that by sharing Jonathan’s transparent blog post titled "4 Tips to Surviving the Emotional Journey of Widowhood." Please check out this blog post from a talented writer.

Thanks, Jonathan, for being a guest blogger. I look forward to your dropping back by again to share your thoughts, insight, and wisdom.

Until next time… 

Photo Credit: Sabine Ojeil

My life as I knew it changed forever on February 10, 2018.

I became a widower and single father of a pre-teen son.

My best friend, lover, and beloved wife of nineteen years, Antonett “Toni” M. Cox, was now gone. After three years of chemotherapy and countless radiation procedures, Toni lost her battle at the young age of fifty-two to metastasis cancer, which originated from her breast. Toni was a victim of the Camp Lejeune water contamination in North Carolina as a child. 

Toni was smart, strong-willed, loving, thoughtful, beautiful inside and out, and my rock. 

On February 23, 2018, we celebrated her life.

I can recall the day of celebrating Toni’s life that I expressed slight outwardly emotional expressions during the service. I had the perception of being strong for my son, which is directly related to not showing my feelings with tears and pain during my grieving of my wife. Psychologist Judith Stillion, Ph.D., CT studied the importance of socialization. There were 4 concepts which her research lead to the conclusion of dealing with grief and socialization:

 

1. Boys are taught to accept pain without complaining.
2. Men must be in control at all times.
3. Man must protect and keep safe the individuals important to him.
4. Man must be ready to overcome any challenge without fear.   

I looked into my son’s eyes and realized that this moment was not about me. I had to widen my perspective of the reality of embracing healthy habits during these turbulent times for my son and myself. This led me to accept crying is healthy; being affectionate to my son is a sign of strength and being transparent with my loved ones lessened my burden of responsibility. 

After becoming a widower, I felt fearful, overwhelmed, insecure, and lonely because I was about to embark upon being a single parent due to the loss of my life partner. My attention and focus were now about raising my son in a loving and secure environment in which he was already accustomed. 

You see, unfortunately, my son witnessed firsthand the terminal cancer monster and how it deteriorates one’s body and mind. Cancer took away his hugs, conversations, movie nights, great cooking, and the security of being loved. 

While going through the emotional journey of widowhood, I have learned the following:

You can’t do it alone. The African proverb “it takes a village to raise a child” means that it takes a community to raise a child. I knew that I needed to surround my son with a village of positive people and family to assist with his teen years of growth into manhood. The purpose of his village is to provide love, support, guidance, and positive mentorship for his holistic personal growth. 

You should seek the help of professionals. Seeking counseling at the cancer center's recommendation has been instrumental in helping my son and I navigate the journey of grief. In fact, before my wife’s passing, we participated as a family to help each of us deal with her terminal cancer diagnosis. It was powerful for our son as it gave him meaning and understanding of coping with terminal cancer.

You must be patient with yourself. During times of grief, I found myself being impulsive with emotion. However, patience allows decision making to become less emotional and more informed of making conscious decisions. Lastly, patience allows growth for your holistic understanding during your emotional journey.

You have to take care of your health. Having a history of pre-existing conditions, such as high blood pressure and heart complications, I learned that taking care of my health is vital. Regular physical check-ups will give you an overview of your overall health. Being committed to your physical health is all connected to your outlook during grief.

This new normal is not easy, but I’m surviving the emotional journey of widowhood the best way that I can.

If you are a widower, please feel free to share some tips that help you get through your grieving process.

Jonathan Cox is a blogger, maximizer, strategist, public speaker, innovator, and organizer. He's currently EOP/TRIO Coordinator at his alma mater, University of Northern Iowa (UNI) in Cedar Falls, Iowa. He has a bachelor's degree in criminology. Jonathan is well-known for being committed and passionate about mentoring, coaching, teaching, and inspiring students for the last three decades. When not working with students, Jonathan enjoys spending time with his son, family, friends and traveling. In addition, he likes reading and cooking various dishes which he finds relaxing. Jonathan can be reached at jjflexerr22@gmail.com.