19 Tips for Preventing Relapse during the Holidays

                                                                    Sarah Lawrence for Vox.com 

Originally published on Medium.com, December 26, 2020

The holidays are usually considered fun and joyous occasions but for some individuals in recovery, they are often a struggle.

Why?

Because maintaining sobriety is not easy and during the holidays it can be even more difficult since alcohol and drugs are commonplace at some holiday gatherings.

According to writer Buddy T, “The holiday season is meant to be a joyous occasion that brings family and friends together. But even in the midst of all the holiday excitement, there are often moments of stress and anxiety. If you are recovering from alcohol addiction, this broad spectrum of holiday emotions can challenge even your best intentions for recovery.”

As a therapist and up until a year ago, I primarily worked with adults diagnosed with a co-occurring disorder, both a mental health and substance use disorder. I vividly remember many of the clients vocalizing the increase of their anxiety symptoms and their trepidation of relapsing during the holidays. I have also witnessed how being in recovery and maintaining sobriety during the holidays is often frightening and a struggle for many individuals in recovery.

Therefore, below are 19 tips not in any particular order, to help individuals in recovery maintain their sobriety through the holidays:

1. Do not overcommit and overwhelm yourself.
2. Make self-care a priority and relax, pray, engage in mindfulness, and get some good rest.
3. Monitor your thoughts and embrace positive thinking to improve your mood.
4. Eat healthy as possible.
5. Set clear boundaries.
6. Focus on your blessings and not your struggles.
7. Avoid isolation by staying in constant communication with friends and family.
8. Use healthy coping skills (journaling, listening to music, engaging in an artistic activity, exercise, reading a good book etc.) to manage stressors.
9. Increase your support by attending additional 12-step meetings or begin for the first time. Increase sessions with a therapist or if not seeking therapy make it a priority to do so during the holidays.
10. Stay in constant contact with your sponsor if you have one and if you don’t think about securing one during the holidays.
11. Watch an uplifting movie or comedy.
12. Be of service to others.
13. Develop a sober escape plan for all holiday events.
14. Be okay with saying “no” and not feeling obligated to attend holiday events and if you do inform those in attendance that you no longer drink alcohol or use drugs.
15. Limit the time you spend at holiday gatherings.
16. Have self-compassion if you find yourself struggling.
17. Continue to stay active in your recovery.
18. Commend yourself for the progress you have made on your recovery journey.
19. Remind yourself of the benefits you have received by maintaining your sobriety.

Although it is not easy to remain sober during the holidays, remember that anything worth having requires a lot of hard work, and sobriety is no different.

If you have any additional tips that can help maintain sobriety during the holidays, please leave them in the comments.

Happy Holidays!

5 Tips to Help Adults Dealing with the Death of a Sibling

Photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash

Originally published on Medium.com, December 23, 2020

For many adults, the death of a sibling equates to losing a best friend, confidante, voice of reason, advisor, peacemaker, and encourager with whom many fond memories are shared.

As a matter of fact, adults who have lost siblings are sometimes referred to as “the forgotten mourners” because in many cases little support is given to them. This is not necessarily on purpose. When siblings die, their parents, spouses, children, and grandchildren are usually the first people to be offered words of comfort and condolences. Yet grieving the loss of a sibling has at times been compared to having the same impact of losing a parent.

Although I have not lost a sibling, I have known, comforted, and offered condolences to enough people who have lost a sibling. During these times, I witnessed just how painful losing a sibling is to many people.

If you are mourning the loss of a sibling, here are some suggestions to help you get through the grieving process:

1. Remember, you are hurting too, so do not diminish the pain you are feeling about losing your sibling. Always communicate with your family members about how you are struggling. Your feelings matter.
2. Seek help from others outside of your family to process your thoughts and feelings i.e. grief support group, therapist, clergy member, or trusted friends. Truthfully, your family members may be entirely too overwhelmed with their own grief to offer any support for you.
3. Journal about how you feel about losing your sibling. Writing can be therapeutic. Writing down your thoughts can help release some of the pain you are feeling at the time.
4. Create a nice memory book with pictures of you and your sibling and under each picture write a caption of why the picture makes you smile.
5. Let go of the guilt you might have about something mean you said to your sibling or regrets you have about not spending enough time with him or her. In other words, it’s important to let go of any “unfinished business.” According to H. Norman Wright in Experiencing Grief, “Whatever is unfinished can be a barrier to moving along the path to healing.”

On the other hand, if your siblings are still living and you have unfinished business with them, remember that life is always presenting us with opportunities for new beginnings. So, why not, reach out today.

Lastly, always remember to be patient with yourself as you go through the grieving process. After all, healing takes time…

The Elephant in the Room: Black Folks and Suicide

 

Photo by Julian Myles on Unsplash

Blacks folks do not commit suicide. 

White folks do that.

Black folks just need to pray harder. 

These statements are insensitive, inaccurate, and all too familiar in the Black community. In fact, the subjects of suicide and mental illness for some are still taboo.

Declarations like this keep Black folks from even acknowledging that they may be struggling with thoughts of suicide, let alone seek help from mental health professionals.

Perhaps, you may recognize some of the names below:

• Glenn Johnson-2020 (Older Brother of Rapper DaBaby)
• Jas Waters-2020 (American Screenwriter and Journalist)
• Craig Raymond Turner-2018 (Eldest son of Tina Turner)
• Tyler Deon Honeycutt-2018 (EuroLeague)
• Frederick Jay Bowdy-2017 (Aspiring Actor)
• O.J. Murdock-2017 (NFL Player)
• MarShawn McCarrel-2016 (Black Lives Matter Leader)
• Kalief Browder-2015 (The Kalief Browder Story on Netflix) 
• Karyn Washington-2014 (Founder, “Forbrowngirls.com”)
• Titi Branch-2014 (Co-Founder, Miss Jessie’s)
• Lee Thompson Young-2013 (Young Talented Actor)
• Freddy E.-2013 (Rapper)
• Capital Steez-2013 (Rising Underground Hip Hop Artist)
• Don Cornelius-2012 (American Television Show Host and Producer)
• Kenny McKinley-2010 (NFL Player)
• Shakir Stewart-2008 (Def Jam Exec VP)
• Phyllis Hyman-1995 (American Singer, Songwriter, and Actress)
• Donny Hathaway-1979 (American Singer)

Sadly, these are some Black folks who have committed suicide. They are part of a public health crisis. 

According to the World Health Organization, close to 800,000 people die from suicide every year, and this is the third leading cause of death in 15-19-year olds. For every suicide, there are many more people who attempt suicide every year. 

The Trace news source reports that in the Chicagoland area alone, where I live, Cook County is seeing an alarming rise in the number of suicides among Black residents. The number of deaths has already matched the total for all of last year, putting 2020 on pace to be the worst year in a decade.

Although Suicide Prevention Awareness Month was in September, I believe this public health issue should be talked about on a regular basis. With the holiday season upon us and the current COVID-19 pandemic, this is a timely discussion. “Black Americans have disproportionately suffered from COVID-19 and the economic fallout, are also shouldering an ever-heavier mental health burden as a racial justice movement has ripped open centuries-old wounds of systemic oppression.” (The Boston Globe)

According to the article Addressing the Crisis of Black Youth Suicide by Joshua Gordon: 

As of 2018, suicide became the second leading cause of death in Black children aged 10-14, and the third leading cause of death in Black adolescents aged 15-19. By combining data from 2001 to 2015, researchers were able to examine suicides among children ages 12 and younger and found that Black children were more likely to die by suicide than their White peers.

Gordon also points out that the “disparities in access to mental health services are a contributing factor as well. Black folks overall are less likely to receive treatment for depression than Whites often due to negative perceptions of services and providers and reluctance to acknowledge symptoms. Black youth are also significantly less likely than White youth to receive outpatient treatment even after a suicide attempt.”

During my research, I also ran across the article In Chicago, a Steep Rise in Suicide Among Black People by Lakeidra Chavis (The Trace). After reading it closer, I realized this was about one of my cousin’s best friends, Malik Webber, who at the young age of 21 committed suicide in March 2020.

I vividly remember having a conversation with my cousin about this tragedy and her trepidation of how her youngest son was going to handle hearing this horrific news since this was one of his best friends. My younger cousin had already lost other friends to gun violence and combined with other issues like police brutality and systematic racism, it felt like too much.  

As I write this blog post, I can sadly think of eight Black people I knew personally or family members of those I know who have committed suicide. I purposely stopped counting because it saddens me to relive these moments. 

Suicide causes a ripple effect because family, friends, and colleagues are forever impacted by such a tragic loss. Their emotions are often overwhelming and heart-wrenching and can trigger intense emotions.

Within the Black community, suicide is an elephant in the room that should routinely be discussed. We should work to decrease the stigma of mental health in our community as a first step towards suicide prevention. Those individuals struggling with suicidal thoughts should not be made to feel ashamed or humiliated, but instead encouraged to seek help from a mental health professional. You can even offer support by accompanying someone to their first appointment to get help. 

With the emotional impact of the COVID-19 pandemic and the recent presidential election, and just dealing with life stressors, I encourage you to make it a point to call others to check on them because it could very well be a matter of life or death. Social media serves its purpose but calling someone on the phone rather than simply texting could save a life. 

If you are currently experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out and let a friend or family member know. I urge you not to suffer alone. And this message is for anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts.   

If you have a family member or friend who has died from suicide, in their memory, and if you are comfortable, please leave their name and something positive about them that you miss in the comment section.

I will start.

Hattie D. – Although she took her life over 40 years ago, I still remember how loving and kind she was. I was an adolescent, and this was my first time experiencing something like this. My mother told me what happened and never talked about it again until almost three decades later. RIP Hattie.

Please do not suffer alone. If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TALK). The website is National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

A Christian Woman’s Perspective: Journeying through the Season of Singleness

 

Photo Credit Jefferey Erhunse Unsplash

Updated October 25, 2020

All too often, I have found that we single women in the church, who desire marriage, seem to think that God has passed us by when it comes to being blessed with a husband. We come to church, pray, tithe, worship, serve on committees, and want to have the company of a strong and loving Christian husband by our sides. 

And, with the COVID-19 pandemic, attending church in person has not been an option in a while. Therefore, meeting a potential mate is all that more difficult. This is not to say that you can only meet someone in the church. That is not true.

Each week we lose faith when the seat beside us we claim as our husbands remain empty. 

As the tears roll down our cheeks, we ask God, “Did you forget about blessing me with a husband?” 

When we hear the words, “You know, perhaps it’s not in God’s will that you marry,” makes things even worse. 

Then we engage in pity parties and depression sessions. 

Although it is not easy, we are to be relentless in our pursuit to live Godly lives, while remembering that we are not perfect and will make mistakes. When we stumble in life, we must remember to have self-compassion and avoid beating ourselves up. 

It is important to seek God’s will for our lives to prevent Satan from filling our heads with negative thoughts, which may cause us to doubt God. When loneliness is at its peaks in our lives, we must fast, pray, and read our Bibles even more. We should also ask someone to pray with and for us.

Being single should not prevent us from living happy, productive, and fulfilled lives. Most importantly, we must remind ourselves that being single is not a curse, as some people make it seem. It is time to thank God for this season because it will be different to consider a husband’s needs rather than just our own. 

And let us be real, some of us, including myself, can be selfish at times.

As Pastor Noah Filipiak states, "The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greenest where you water it, even for singles."

During our season of singleness, righteous living should be a priority so that we can begin pursuing our goals and dreams. This will not happen if we are having pity parties with ourselves and other single women about the shortage of available men and how terrible the ones are in which we have been in relationships. 

In lieu of the pity party trap, God wants us to do what is necessary to build His kingdom, and not tear it down. This time of singleness is to focus on God’s will for our lives.

As single women, changing our mindset about singleness is necessary. This season in our lives is better spent to thank God for using this time to prune and prepare us to do a mighty work for Him. 

When God feels that we are ready, we will be introduced to our potential husband and we will then be ready to welcome him with open arms. 

I hope that you've been encouraged as you are journeying through the season of singleness...